Version 9.9

August Update

Due to unprecedented amounts of fan mail, & a noticeable (scar leaving) crack of the whip. Here is the recently promised, much delayed team update for August. The likelihood of these appearing in the future with any frequency remain minimal.

ABD: really deserves a post all on its own, but that wouldn’t embrace the word team (he got one anyway). Put a clinic on at UMC earlier this month & is back at work like nothing happened. Now on the custom program, upgrading everything. Picked some fruit in Kelowna last Sunday, very easy apparently.

DBD: Last seen getting lapped on the lake but now staying upright with a late season push with the benefit of BBD's piloting a new 320hp vessel for support. Accidentally booked a trip to Maui in August. Team instructed to use the smokie machine at own risk.

KBD: Still hibernating, doing the absolute minimum to stay on team roster. Now licensed to drive a limo & ambulance, may be employed full time by team management with those skills. Apparently getting ready for ski season but the next thing entered will be the beer garden.

LBD: Contrary to popular opinion, is not getting a titanium knee replacement.
In the minority as has kept himself at race weight all season, congrats. Now Taking orders for custom Team luggage, respect.

BBDs: Now coastguard rescue-certified.
Upping the calorie count, as well as their demands for more respect as they reinforce their roles in the Team. Reminder that they must be consulted on all future event choices.

TBD: last report has him in Ibiza carrying several different passports.
Has several trophies for sale (link here) BBD's have instructed a change of profile picture as it’s no longer current.

EMBD: Muscling up for the downhill sections on August 25th. Weekly km count in double figures right now. Showdown looming this Sunday morning with ABD on McClean Creek Road.

BHBD: Bunker preparations on track, watch for appearance on 'doomsday preppers' this fall. Team members are now instructed not to cross the moat for supplies & avoid wearing lyrca in the vicinity of the Ranch until years end

BDC: Doing piles of miles, at work. Scouting out new training grounds a few valleys over. New borscht recipe being tested.

Busy weekend coming up. Make sure those burning calories are replacing them in the PM.

Rolling Thunder

A few days ago something special happened and that in itself took a few days to happen. Team member ABD (Agent Big Deal), went for a short swim, bike, run on Ultra Man Canada Course and managed to lay down some fresh tracks in the process.

Not only did he take the Overall title and Course record, but did so in a fashion that warrants an automatic Team Big Deal ‘Life-Time Membership award’. Readers and Team members should note, that this award has only been given out on one other occasion in Team history (TBD ‘self-awarded’ his upon Team founding).

To put things in perspective though, you’ll find a short comparison of the competition ABD faced below. However despite their credentials, these are the very ‘Men’ that he left floundering in Skaha Lake, grinding through the Okanagan & Similkameen Valleys and shuffling into the Prairie Valley after 3 days of constant exercise.

Little did they know that ABD was bringing some of his own super powers to the table....

 AQUA MAN

POWERS: Atlantean Biological Adaptation, Enhanced Sight, Superhuman Strength, Endurance, Durability, Speed, Marine Telepathy

WEAKNESESS: Water Deprivation

RESULT: Did not feature, should have read that there was a bike & run to do as well, last seen mermaid hunting at the Ok Falls Hotel.

 BAT MAN     

POWERS: Indomitable Will, Intimidation, Interrogation, Peak Human Conditioning, Genius-Level Intellect, Peak Human Strength

WEAKNESESS: Magic Attacks, Mind Alteration, Food, Sleep

RESULT: 

Underestimated ABD's Badge carrying Status & Ability to operate without nutrition & naps. Dropped early on third day, last seen on Bat Bike Cruising the Coquihalla

IRON MAN

POWERS: Direct Cybernetic Interface, Wireless Communication, Superhuman Reflexes, Regenerative Systems

WEAKNESSES: Memory, Alcoholism, Needs constant re-charge

RESULT: Tagged as the main rival but the guy with all the gadgets folded like a paper cup at the end of Day 2. Last seen slumped against the Bar at the Brown Bridge Pub in Princeton.

SPIDER MAN

POWERS:  

Agility, Animal Attributes, Animal Oriented Powers, Danger Sense, Durability, Enhanced Senses, Healing Factor, Natural Weapons, Reflexes, Stamina, Substance Secretion, Super Speed/Strength, Toxin and Disease Resistance, Night Vision, Wall crawling

WEAKNESSES: Bullets, Hairspray

RESULT: The dark horse came, saw and got a dose of reality. His skills may serve him well in the urban environment, but going 'country' f**ked this spider up. Did well to finish but wont be spinning any webs for a while.

SUPER MAN

POWERS: Flight, Invulnerability, Superhuman Strength, Superhuman Speed, Enhanced Lung Capacity, Telekinesis, Super Olfaction, Longevity, Eidetic memory, Super Breath (including Freeze Breath), Super-hearing, X-Ray Vision

WEAKNESESS: Kryptonite, Red Sun, Magic

RESULT: The only other sponsored athlete competing, thought the title was his until ABD slapped some kryptonite on his rear wheel at the start of Day 2. X-ray vision failed miserably.

X MAN

POWERS: Astral projection, Flight, Illusions, Mind Control, Telepathy, Phasing, Telekinesis, Teleportation

WEAKNESESS: Self Sacrifice


RESULT: The self confessed ladies man was a one hit wonder this year. Dq'd after multiple warnings to keep his shirt on using Teleportation to get to the front of the race.

ULTRA MAN

POWERS: All terrain mobility, Self generating power plant, Self re-generation, Badge Carrying Federal Agent, Asphalt eating capabilities, Endurance

WEAKNESSES:  nil

RESULT: Total domination, went toe-to-toe with some of the planets strongest men and came out on top. Automatic qualifier for future Global super hero throw-downs. Owes support crew lifetime supply of alcohol.

Standby for a Team update......